Painting and drawing not for walls

I do lots of art journaling- so much that it worries me sometimes it is my addiction. But from time to time I dab into painting and drawing- not for production of spectacular, fine art but for different reasons. I never really painted for the outcome- to have the finish product. The same with drawing that I am still scared of- I do it for a different reason, quite selfish in some respect...

So after a while of indulging myself into expressive art journaling there is that need to pick up a brush and paint- that's it- no journals, no books, no collage or mixed media layering. Purity of simple presence- paint, brush, canvas, myself. I still don't fully understand where that need came from but as times goes by I started to understand roots of that need. People may paint for different reasons- some are fine artists working with galleries, some are starving artists, other paint as a hobby and put their work up on walls in their family homes. So many creative souls, so many reasons. I never questioned why painting emerged in my creative awaking, it happened and I felt I needed to do it. Sometimes is better not to ask questions about creativity or art- just let it be and direct you. Faithful to my own concept of creativity as communication channel I trusted that the need for painting is natural. There were/are lots of frustration and disappointments on the way as has not been my strong point but the need is stronger than a skill! Gradually I noticed that creative process of painting is so close to personal development stages that is even better than dozen of advises from self help books. Approaching painting starts with a massive self doubt- that is the stage when you will move on or stop paralysed with fear. Act of bravery or act of giving up before trying. The blank canvas fear is like unknown situations, things you wonder you will manage to do. Then the start of painting- here comes a very short triumph of overcoming initial fear and comes the roller caster of self doubt. It looks bad- shall I stop or carry on, what was I thinking- that I can do it? This only shows how bad I am at this...and it goes on and on. Exactly like in our life- self doubt, self destructive thinking and questioning our efforts. But work carries on- painting progresses and even with self doubt there is the inner instinct of wanting to complete it. Never mind the results and its imperfection- the painting started and need to be finished. The last stage is again going back to roller caster of emotions- happy to complete the mission mind after few minutes goes to it's toxic mode of judging, looking, comparing. Self doubt kicks off again and it is the time...to stare at the blank canvas again and start painting! :)

The same situation happens with this place- my on line presence and blog. I resisted for a long time as wanted to express and share my views on magic of combining creativity with mind and soul work. But my logic was questioning constantly: who will read it, people have art blogs full of art instructions and I don't want to do that but I want to share something different. Here comes the blank canvas situation and all that- I decided to carry on...whatever the consequences are...as the need is sometimes stronger than you think! 

 

 

I don't read a lot f self help books- I engage with art and listen. It says it all.

Wishing you creatively engaging week!

Honorata 

P.S some of my latest drawing and paintings full of self doubt in a gallery below.

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